Friday, May 2, 2008

"Remaining Safe...Until You Leave"

Looking back, prior, to having to flee my home, there are so many questions I wish I'd have known to ask. One mistake I continually made with my abuser, was when I was trying to avoid being physically or verbally abused, I'd try and run into another room. To my own hurt, I'd usually run into the kitchen, or bathroom.



Now I know those were two of the worse places to run...there are numerous things in there that can be used as weapons. Another place I would try and run, was the garage...another big mistake. Then there was the time I was attempting to run out the door, while being chased. The fear produced the running and the running caused a bad fall from the porch resulting in numerous fractures...another bad idea.



So many of you that email me are asking similar questions. Since most of the questions are regarding "how" to stay safe until you leave, is the reason for this article. Keep in mind, that you all have variations to your particular situation and must 'tailor' the information given to meet your personal situation. I've gathered some very helpful information from a variety of sources. Each article I write I'll be sharing more and more.



If any of you are thinking that things can never change for you , that simply is not true. Take a look at some of the comments that are in the 'comment section' after each article. You'll see that there are ways for you to finally become free. The information below is from the Sequoyah County Sheriff's Department.



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ARE YOU ABUSED?
Does the Person You Love…
· “Track” all of your time and activities?
· Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
· Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
· Prevent you from working or attending school?
· Criticize you for little things?
· Anger easily when drinking or on drugs?
· Control finances and force you to account for what you spend?
· Humiliate you in front of others?
· Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
· Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or your children?
· Threaten to hurt you or your children?
· Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
· Force you to have sex against your will?


ZERO TOLERANCE
THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE
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MYTHS vs. FACTS
About abuse
Myth: Violence in families affects only a small percentage of the population.
Fact: 2-4 million women are beaten every year; in Oklahoma, 340,000 women are beaten on a regular basis every year; the FBI says that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds in the United States.
Myth: Poor families are more likely to experience violence than middle income and affluent families.
Fact: Violence in families crosses all economic, class, race, and educational levels.
Myth: Drinking causes violent behavior.
Fact: Although drinking and/or drug abuse are present in over half of all violent incidents, abusive behavior will not stop when substance abuse stops. Alcohol and drugs may lower inhibitions permitting more aggressive behavior.
Myth: Wife abuse doesn’t cause serious injuries.
Fact: 40% of women killed in the United States are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends. Emergency rooms report that the majority of cases of women seeking treatment for injuries are the result of abuse.
Myth: Religious faith prevents violence in families.
Fact: Persons of faith are no less vulnerable to abusive relationships than the general population. In some cases, religious beliefs are used by the abusers to justify their forceful and controlling behavior, and to obligate victims to remain in destructive situations that threaten their physical safety and emotional well-being.
Myth: Children need their father even if he is abusive.
Fact: Children need a stable, nurturing environment, free of fear and chaos, in which their self esteem will be preserved and enhanced.
Myth: Witnessing abuse doesn’t affect children.
Fact: Children who witness violence are 700 times more likely to abuse or be abused as adults than children who grow up in non-violent homes.
Myth: Once a batterer, always a batterer.
Fact: Battering is learned behavior and it can be changed. Help is available.
Myth: A battered woman can always leave home.
Fact: There is no law compelling a battered woman to remain in an abusive situation. However, there are a number of reasons that make leaving extremely difficult.
Myth: There is no help available for a woman wanting to get out of an abusive relationship. There is no place available to help her and her children.
Fact: Help is available. No woman has to remain in an abusive relationship because she has no place to go and no money to go. Any sheriff’s office or police department can help a woman obtain this assistance.
THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!
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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFETY PLAN
You Have a Right to be Safe.
SAFETY DURING AN EXPLOSIVE INCIDENT
A. If an argument seems unavoidable, try to have it in a room or area where you have access to an exit. Try to stay away from the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom or anywhere else weapons might be available.
B. Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell would be the best.
C. Have a packed bag ready and keep it at a relative’s or friend’s home in order to leave quickly.
D. Identify one or more neighbors you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.
E. Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends and neighbors when you need the police.
F. Decide and plan for where you will go, if you have to leave home (even if you don’t think you will need to.)
G. Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
H. Always remember – YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HIT OR THREATENED!
SAFETY WHEN PREPARING TO LEAVE
A. Open a savings account and/or credit card in your own name to start to establish or increase your independence. Think of other ways in which you can increase your independence.
B. Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, extra medicines and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
C. Determine who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.
D. Keep the shelter or hotline phone number close at hand and keep some change or a calling card on you at all times for emergency phone calls.
E. Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer. REMEMBER – LEAVING YOUR BATTERER IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME.
SAFETY IN YOUR OWN HOME
A. Change the locks on your doors as soon as possible. Give a copy to a trusted neighbor or family member.
B. Call the police if your partner breaks the protective order.
C. Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
D. Inform family, friends, neighbors and your physical or health care provider that you have a protective order in effect.

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I want to close this article by saying I'm well versed (now that I'm free) on all the information I just posted. However, I want to make it crystal clear that it's not always as "black & white" as most portray it to be. There are variants on EVERY situation...so keep in mind you must 'tailor' your specific needs around the information provided. Above all else, never feel you are alone in this, because you are not. There is an army of women that read your comments for the specific purpose of praying for you.



Kindest Regards,



Kathryn

22 comments:

Karolyn said...

Thank you so much for this information. I do the same thing you did. I always run to the same place that you are telling us that is the worse place. My church thinks everything is my fault otherwise he wouldnt be abusive. I see that theres a small bit of information dealing with this in your post today. Could you PLEASE address this in more detail next time?

Anonymous said...

its good that you brout out the thing about churchs not helping because thay dont. everyone thinks its the girls fault and its not. why dont they check facts befroe they say and do such dumb stuff. and they are supose to know more than us? I dont think so.

Anonymous said...

the others that tell you the church is helping our abuser is true. That's the way it is with me to. We belong to a main line denomination in the christain faith. no one cares, it's always assumed that its the woman's fault. Other wise why would the husband feel the need to abuse. I'm not kidding, i acutlly got told he would "feel the need to abuse". how sick is that?

his.child2005@yahoo.com said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kathryn said...

I received a post that I had allowed to be published by accident. Immediately, I had cancelled it...but first had modified it by taking out all recognizable information. Below you'll see the "modified" post.

Kindest Regards,
Kathryn
------------------------------

Today I stumbled on your blog site as I was looking for someone that had some knowledge on abuse & assault. Most sites I found were stupid, making it sound like we are ignorant. I agree with the comments that say churches do NOT help. It's been my experience that it's presumed that the woman is at fault. After all aren't we the weaker sex, the ones that need to submit? I'm sick of misinterpretaion of scripture. this misinterpretation begin from behind the pulpit. My husband has been an abuser from the first year of our marriage. There are plenty of people that have not only heard him with his incessant threats, but have witnessed his fists landing on me. We have two kids, and I have no money of my own, no transportation. We live about 2 hours from a city that has the kind of help you talk about. But what about the rest of us where there is nothing close? None of my family lives in this state, all his family are within a 30 minute drive. Me and the kids really are trapped.

Anonymous said...

everything you say i know is true. I left my husband twice but only ended up coming back since there was really not the help that me and the kids needed. He promised he would change. The times I can back things were ok for about a week, and then statred with the physical abuse again. each time its worse, but i don't know where to go to get the help that we need. Is anyone listening to the things you say? If they are why aren't things changed?

We live in New Hampshire

Anonymous said...

I think you have a big mouth and understand nothing of the relationship between men and women. The woman is to be subject to the man. This is not knew information. You forget that its the man that takes care of his female. It's her job to take care of him.

Gerald said...

I have two grown daughters. IF anyone ever laid a hand on either one of them, I guarantee you it'd be the last time he ever did anything. You are to be commended for reaching out to others in the midst of your own pain. I hope that you receive the accolades you surely deserve. Do you have anything published? If so, I suggest you let your readers know.

Anonymous said...

I told my pastors wife what was going on. she didnt even know what to say other than she'd pray for me.

Anonymous said...

if my girlfrend is backtalking me, she knows it'l end up in a bad situation for her. Women will never rule over men the bible says so. They are to submit

wisdomteachesme said...

Father God, I come to you In the Name of Jesus--He is Your Word and YOUR Word is Love, Life, Power, and Truth God Bless this site and the administrator of this site. amen

Your Presence is upon This Place of truth and Your Understanding, Your Knowledge and Wisdom are overflowing here through the one You appointed to Bring Your Word to light! Amen.

No one Lord, is going to argue with anyone that speaks against YOUR LOVE--which is YOUR LAW! We ask that You have mercy on those that are trying to cause fear and divination among Your called, Your chosen and Your obedient children--In The Name Of Jesus, It is so, Amen.

I speak a Blessing out on all that are indifferent and rebellious to Your Love - To YOUR Power--To YOUR ability to do more than enough for anyone that seeks You, knocks, and listens and learns Your way--the ones that love You enough to obey YOU. amen

Mother God, in the NAME of Jesus, I With the Authoritiy that You have given to me I Stand and Speak against any and all attacks from satan, his minions, and all evil that lives in the hearts of people that come against to try and do harm to YOUR people. For we stand on the Rock that is Jesus and we KNOW that You, Our Faithful Mother will protect us and lead us through all issues, situations, problems, fears and strongholds that are trying to stop Your Plan to building Your Kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven. amen

YOUR people are those of us that in the name of Jesus, we obey YOU, Praise YOU, Worship YOU and Speak boldly and with Faith Who YOU Are and who we Are in You--we Will continue to do as Jesus instructed us to do...AS He Has already done and more!

Lord I ask that you open every eye-every ear-bring Your light to those that are surrendering to YOU honestly--I ask that YOU take care of all as YOU know each of our hearts...for what the heart loves the mouth will speak. amen. And we speak Love for You Lord as our hearts love what YOU love . amen

I Come with Peace and Encouragement for all that seek these things that God loves and I say, Let us all look for the opportunities that Father God has provided for our escape out of every stronghold, Every fear, every evil thought and lie, to take every opportunity to do unto others as we would have it done to us. Let us go further than what is expected-let us honor God and bring Glory to Him through our lives, let us with faith speak His truth over our lives and over the lives of others that are seeking to know Him.

Let us spread the Good News that it is not about religion but about a Relationship with Father God through the Son, Jesus The Christ led by The Holy Spirit= Amen!

Let us remember that every man is subject to corrections and what a man does that is good by his own will is not the Will of God. Let us speak against those that use the name of God to oppress, cheat, lie to, use, and kill His people. May God have mercy on you as you will be brought down.
IN the Name of Jesus our Brother, It will be done, Amen.

We don't have use of you satan, I am now telling you to leave- you may try but you will not succeed, You cannot have our Joy, our Peace our lives- may God have mercy on the souls of those that do your bidding--we forgive them as they do not know what they are doing-but you do- and just as I know Jesus has rebuked you I stand on His Word and Speak the Blood of Jesus = that you are not needed. If you stay you will have to listen to us with voices raised giving honor, praise, worship and glory to GOD THE FATHER, GOD THE SON AND GOD THE HOLY SPIRIT ON THIS DAY AND EVERY DAY
Amen.

----
kathryn, please email me--things are bouncing back to me that i have sent this morning..?? lol..he got no new tricks...lolo

talk soon sister.
always standing on the Rock!

~Wisdomteachesme

wisdomteachesme said...

Correction needed:

kathryn, i need to correct a part of the paryer= this is what it says;
"are trying to cause fear and divination among Your called, Your..."
------
this is the correction=

"are trying to cause fear and divisiveness among Your called, Your..."

thank you sister for allowing this correction to be posted.

Kathryn said...

Wisdometeachesme,

It is with joy I add your correction. Your prayer on behalf of all the readers is deeply appreciated. Your obedience to the Lord speaks volumes about you. To simply say "Thank You" is an understatement of vast proportions.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

wisdomteachesme said...

my sister friend,

i thank you- for all the glory be unto God!

\0/\0/\0/\0/\0/

Anonymous said...

women were put here to take care of men's need. Period!

Anonymous said...

Most Christian men know that the bible says women are to submit. Why is this so hard to understand. My guess is that women must not know how to read or rightly divide the word correctly. What a shame.

Gerald said...

Kathryn,

I left you a message the other day. I had also forwarded your blog site address to my daughters. Since then I see that things you write are all over the net. I asked if you had any books published on this topic. If you do, please, address it in a future post. If the answer is yes, it's something I'd like to purchase for my daughters. Your level of talent for expressing yourself through writing is rare.

Anonymous said...

As a father of a young daughter, I must object to some of these comments from bible quoting individuals
Women must submit? To what? broken bones, black eyes, shattered self esteem, endless trips to the hospital. What Lord do you pray to? Tell me something why don't you then tell the Doctor that "you were correcting you partner's deficient attitude?" You could not even pass that off in church if you brought her there instead of the emergency room. If I made such comments that "women are men's property" or that
"The woman is to be subject to the man. This is not new information. You forget that its the man that takes care of his female. It's her job to take care of him",
I would be ashamed to have a y chromosome. If my male gene constitutes the right for me to force submission then what sort of man would I be? Experience tells us that cooperation betwen partners is the most effective way to acheive a satisfying relationship. Ask yourself this is, if you achieve your means by striking fear into an individual how secure are you? It is most likely your insecurity that causes you to want to dominate someone else. The Lord God never intended such violence. "Blessed are the peace makers for they shall see god."

wisdomteachesme said...

thank you 'anon father of young daughter', for stepping up and speaking some truth about the situation.
may God continue to strengthen you, to use you, and to bless you as you go about your days here on this earth.

Your daughter will see the glory of God through your life!
amen.

Anonymous said...

many of the comments on here are crap. The bible really does say women are to SUBMIT. Try reading it for yourself before opening your big mouth. Its the duty of the wife to do as shes told.

Dana said...

Apparently "anonymous" (too afraid to share his name?) doesn't know the meaning of the word "submit". We (male and female) are also to submit to authority such as police officers, judges, etc. Should we be beaten senseless by them? If a police officer is called to YOUR house, "anonymous", does he have the right to bludgeon you because you need to submit to his authority? I pray for your wife. She is my special prayer concern. I don't know her name, but thank the Lord HE does!

wisdomteachesme said...

@dana
AMEN i stand with you in agreement!
God sees all and wil take care of that woman as He will all of them. Amen!