Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"There Is A Language To Tears"

Many years ago I learned that there is a "language" to tears. It was while attending Bible college that I learned that the Lord understands the "language" of tears we shed.

So often the tears of fear, frustration, loneliness, isolation, regret and most of all, tears of believing that nothing could truly ever change for me, regarding the years of abuse I'd been accustomed...led to deep despair.

After all, I had already gone to those in leadership above me within the church. Hadn't I been told that it was me that must be doing something to provoke him? I believed this, and set out to be the "perfect wife". Although, his out of control fits of anger were well known even in board meetings---and always excused his behavior as "That's just the way he is".

Needless to say, there is no such thing as being "perfect" at anything. Even though I was trying my best to be the "perfect" wife...I had once forgotten to turn out the light in the garage. So enraged he'd become that he threw a hammer at me, fracturing my jaw. There are literally dozens of instances I could give to validate that being "perfect" has no bearing upon someone that decides to become angry.

Recently, I came across some information that surprised even me, it has to so with stalking. Due to the fact I'm considered highly educated, I thought I could depend on my natural abilities. It was pointed out, that often those are the very ones that make the easier targets! The article below comes from "No Nonsense Self-Defense" written by Marc & Dianna Mac Young. This is not the article in it's entirety, but dealt with the subject matter I brought up within this post.


DON'T Try to handle it yourself

This is THE most common mistake women make when it comes to stalkers. Bottom line here, if the guy
a) didn't already know he could take you
b) was afraid of you and what you can do, and
c) wasn't pretty sure he could get away with it --


While it is terrifying to believe so, such a person has been studying you like an insect. He knows your strengths, weaknesses, blind-spots, emotional reactions and what lengths you are willing to go to better than you do. That is because he has been studying you, testing you and training you like a dog to react a certain way. And that is no exaggeration, such people are expert manipulators and usually have a long time dealing with you before the problems became this severe. You are playing against a stacked deck already. No matter how confident, self-assured or competent you think yourself, realize that he knows your strengths and weaknesses before hand and is building his strategy around that knowledge. You have been the victim of a prolonged interview that is now escalating.

If he even thought you had what it takes to wait in the shadows near his front door with a shotgun he wouldn't be doing it. Not that we are recommending this course of action, but stalkers do know who not to mess with).

In fact, women who are generally competent and professional in their lives are MORE likely to be stalked! That is because while they are competent and confident in "civilized" dealings with men, this is a situation where the normal social conventions (which provide a significant leveling influence) simply don't exist. Being suddenly cast adrift in shark infested waters is frustrating, terrifying and unknown. And that is exactly what he wants you to feel.

Remember stalkers think of themselves as "laws unto themselves." In order to maintain this delusion they need to operate in isolation. That is to say they need to find people who are too proud to ask for help and will foolishly attempt to handle the problem by themselves. It is the woman's pride, confidence in herself and her abilities -- and her shame for "finding myself in such a stupid situation" that keeps her from immediately seeking outside help. (This described me perfectly)

And those are the very things the stalker is relying on you to do so he can keep on doing what he is doing.

That is why you need to call in the cavalry and as much reinforcements as you can. And that means, police, lawyers, friends and neighbors. Also realize that this situation is going to cost you...self-defense courses, training, lawyers, court fees and possibly moving and changing jobs.

There is no easy answer to this problem. It's a long time coming and it will be a long time going.


Tears were a daily occurrence for me...often there would be several outbursts of tears. As hard as I tried, I could not hold them back. Yet, each time I wept, I made sure I was alone and no one could hear me.

One day, while weeping, I was reminded that the Lord understands the "language" of our tears. Suddenly all the tears I'd shed, allowed me to know that nothing had escaped the hearing of the Lord and He was well able to bring me to freedom. This is exactly what happened.

Those of you that have been following these articles since I first began this 'blog' know exactly what I'm referring to, so there's no need to repeat myself. Those of you who are unfamiliar with all that's been written to this point, I encourage you to do so. I'm sure it will uplift your hearts to "see" that no matter how dark it may seem for you...there is "One" that cares and will will bring you to a place of safety.

Again, more than anything else, I wish I could give each and every one of you that are hurting a big (((Hug))). Since that's impossible, be reminded that there is an army of women that read your comments and are praying for you on a daily basis.

Kindest Regards,



Anonymous said...

No one belives me about my husband. He is on the school board, and is nice to everyone. He's not nice to me and the kids. Once while visiting the state capitol with my sister, I went to talk to the local women's shelter people like you suggested. They told me I need to go to see the people that are in charge in the county I live. That's impossible, I live too far from the county seat. NOW WHAT???


Anonymous said...

you are a foolish woman thinking that you are not the property of a man. But you probably don't even have a man in your pathetic littel life.

A friend said...

My circumstance was abuse, but not physical. I went thru tremendous mental manipulations and was so confused. Money was the control then... and now that I work and make more money than he does the manipulations have stopped. Without the money, he lost his power. I still, at times, feel that I am not respected the way I should be by him and his 3 kids. I feel like I have to fight for everything I want when it comes to his kids, even though I pay for all of the extra stuff they do. I couldn't imagine being beaten or hit by him. I put up with the mental abuse knowing I was smart enough to get past it and out smart him, but physical abuse would be the end. I am too vocal about my life to let that happen. I have always shared too much!! He has realized that I am not going to put up with the threats, etc. I financially needed him then and now I don't. He is a totally different man. My gutt told me he would be though, which is why I think I stuck it out. My heart is with all of you and all I can say is let the adrenaline you get from the abuse empower you mentally. Out wit, out smart and win back your lives.

Anonymous said...

The longer you have this blog and the more you write, the more your sheer determination and courage show.

A few weeks ago, I asked if you were involved with local politics. You never answered that question in anything you've posted. Kathryn, if you aren't in politics, you should be. You are an amazing writer and have such a strong way of expressing your views on a variety of topics. So why not let that voice be used to get the attention of the legislature and policy makers. You've got something worth listening to.


Anonymous said...


So much of the things you've taught us, I've made mental note. I can say thank you but that is so inadequate.

The ideas you've shared I used to gain further information from the womens organization. It's what you told us that helped me to even know what questions to ask.

Please address in a future post how you managed once you left the safe house and moved. Did you ever get all your personal belongings returned? If not, why not? Does he pay spousal support?

I'm afraid if I leave, he won't support us and it makes me feel so trapped.

Gerald said...


A few weeks ago I shared with you that I'd taken my adult daughter to get stitches in her hand. Your posts alerted us to the fact that most medical people don't bother looking up from their keyboard to ask if the woman is living in a safe environment and ask the question in front of the one that brought he into the facility. We let you know at the time that this was our experience too. When are they going to quit using the "I'm too tired, too understaffed and only required by law to ask the question?" There is never an adequate reason to be deficient in ones duty where the safety of others is concerned. What is wrong with the medical people. There own information and periodical indicate that most women coming in for treatment are usually a victim of domestic abuse. What's up with the lazy attitude? You need to find out and then do something to fix it.

Anonymous said...

Do yourself a favor and keep your pie hole shut. Giving women information is only going to get them into more trouble. You need to uderstand that according to the bible they are to be in subjection to their husbands.

Anonymous said...

what about girls like me. I live over an hour from town. my boyfreind wont even let me drive the car unless he's with me. there's no women's place here like there is in the city.