Tuesday, April 22, 2008

An Unexpected Weapon..."A Pineapple"

The experience I'm about to share took place six years ago. Although I was married to an abuser, I still had a wonderful position within an amazing company. My desire to represent my company with professionalism, I chose to always dress in a business suit. It is to my former employer that I dedicate this article.

My abuser held me to very strict time lines. I would arrive home exactly 12 minutes after leaving the office. If he wanted me to pick some things up at the store...that too was timed.

One particular day, as I was leaving for the office, he handed me a list of items he wanted me to pick up after work. He told me that it would only take 45 minutes...and I was to be home no later than he demanded.

After work I went immediately to the grocery store. This store was a large chain grocery store. I was in a hurry, and needing to find everything on the list I'd been given and get home at the designated time.

I was in the fresh fruit and produce area. I leaned over a bit to look at the pineapples. As I leaned over, a man came up from behind me and rubbed himself against me, as he spoke his filth into my ear. My first reaction was immediate fear. Yet, I was also thinking about the time! I had to get the shopping done and get home or else face the "consequences" of my abuser.

With this in mind, I was more fearful of the abuser than I was this pervert at the grocery store. I had a pineapple in my hand. I grabbed that pineapple with both hands...spun around and hit him as hard as I could using that pineapple as a weapon. He was definitely not expecting this.

The blow with the pineapple hit him on the side of his face so hard that it had broken his glasses and sent him reeling backwards. He began to shout at me, that I'd broken his glasses. His shouting brought security immediately to the area we both were. There was an immediate welt from the side of his face all the way to his ear.

The security person asked what had happened. The pervert told him I had broken his glasses. Immediately, I began to let the security person know how & why... I smacked him on the side of the head with the pineapple...as I was speaking a woman came to where we were standing. It became apparent that this woman was the wife of the pervert. She was glaring at him in a way that gave the impression that this was not the first time he'd done such a vile thing.

The security person asked if I wanted to press charges, I said "No". It would have taken time to do this and I had to get home. Yet, the look on his wife's face let me know that this fool was in big trouble with her. I can only imagine their conversation when they got back home.

As I drove home, I cannot describe the emotion I felt. Being able to stand up for myself was empowering...even though it only lasted a moment. After all, I was now driving home to the abuser. I was on time, and gotten everything on his list. Of course, I never told him of this incident. He would have told me that I must have done something to produce his advances.

However, I did share this incident with a couple colleagues. At that time, they were unaware of the abuse taking place in my own home. They also told me it took a bit of bravery to do such a thing. I couldn't tell them that it wasn't bravery...but fear of my abuser if I'd have been late arriving home.



The information below is from "Helpguide.org". I trust it will bring some clarity to the very confusing situation you find yourself dealing with. Please know that you are NOT alone in this.

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Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice

Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:

  • He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
  • If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
  • The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
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It never failed that every time I was beaten, punched, kicked or slapped...he always let me know that he had no control over his actions. For many years I believed this. It was the wonderful staff at the women's center that finally let me see the truth. Yet, deep down him telling me he had no control...didn't "ring true" within my heart. I had witnessed hundreds of times that he could "put on a happy face" if anyone came to the door or called for him.

There are many of you that use my "contact" email address. The heartache and pain you share with me, grieves me to my very soul. I've chosen to "moderate all comments" as I would never want anything published on this blog that is identifiable. Many of you are asking the same questions. With each article I write I will be addressing those questions. The information above pertains to questions several of you asked.

So many of you tell me that your abuser tells you he can't control himself. That is just a plain LIE! It took me over two decades to learn the truth of this...which is why I chose to share this information with you now. He most definitely has control...and don't believe otherwise for a single moment...and it is NOT your fault. Abuser are masters of control and manipulation. One of their biggest weapons is fear.

Again, be reminded that you are loved...and there is an army of women that are praying for you as they read your comments and the articles I post. If I could, I'd reach out and (((Hug))) each one of you.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn









9 comments:

Nikki said...

kathryn, i owe you so much! I'M FREE. I GOT AWAY FROM HIM.

we always cash our checks at the same bank. friday i went in as usual to cash my check but i wrote a note to the bank lady. i let her know my situation and gave her my friend's telephone number.

my friend and her brother came and got me. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE INFORMATION YOU PROVIDE. I'M FREE! I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT.

Diane said...

You're right, Kathryn. If he couldn't control himself, the abuser would abuse in public as well. Think of turret's syndrome. Now, there's someone who truly cannot control themselves.

And Nikki, CONGRATULATIONS! I've read your comment over and over, and I can't think about it without tears in my eyes. I hope many women get to read your comment and gather courage. What you did was brave! I'm overjoyed for you!!!

Kathryn said...

Nikki,

I rejoice in your freedom! Please be sure to surround yourself with those that support your decision. I am so proud of you. From experience I know what you did took enormous courage.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

Karolyn said...

Again I was waiting for your next post. When I read that Nikki got away it made me think that I could to. But what about my kids? If I leave will they be separated from me? Will they be able to stay with me?

I wrote you about having to get stitches and the two black eyes. I began thinking that I cannot live like this. The most important thing is to get my kids away from him.

heatherlo said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog. What you are doing here, how many people you are helping, it is amazing. Interestingly enough, I have been through domestic abuse myself, and I also volunteered at a crisis telephone center for two years. You are making a HUGE difference for many people, and that is just incredible to me.

Anonymous said...

I wrote to you once before. thank you for talking about one of the things I asked in your last post. It helped a lot. At least I now know what questions to ask and to make a plan. no one ever told me that before. I read what Nikki said. It made me feel a little more sure of myself but I'm still very depressed. it feels like a noose around my neck. would you pray for me? how long were you in the safe house? did they help you find a different place to live? was there help with money?

Arizona

Anonymous said...

I really dont think anyone cares. or else why is nothing ever done

Anonymous said...

why dont you keep your trap shut all your doing is making more troubel

Anonymous said...

As a family physician, I know for a fact that the laws presently in existance are not enforced the way they were intended. Two things create this difficulty, the women that don't get someone to listen or believe them, and the police that don't enforce the laws until AFTER something happens. More often than not, by then it's too late.