Sunday, April 6, 2008

Calming Rough Seas & Flattening Mountains Are Possible!

Getting Ready to Leave

  • Keep any evidence you can of physical abuse. Make sure to keep this evidence in a safe place that your abuser will not find. This might include:

    • Any pictures you have of bruises or other injuries. If you're taking pictures of your injuries, try to have these pictures dated.

    • Any torn clothing

    • Any household objects that your abuser tore or broke.

    • Any pictures that show your home is destroyed or messed up after violence happened.

    • Any records that you have from doctors or the police that document the abuse.

    • Keeping a journal about the abuse. Write down how he abused you, any way that he threatened you, and when these things happened.

    • Anything else you think could help show that you've been abused.
The above information was taken from a web site that also deals with helping those that are in abusive relationships. From time to time, I will post other information that is in response to the questions I receive from many of you. Many ask the same questions. This lets me know that most of you feel totally alone, and with no one to talk to.

The feelings of isolation, fear and shame...I am well acquainted with. These were my constant companions for over two decades. Never, did I really believe things would ever change for me. How could they? I was the one that people came to with their problems. I was a leader, teacher, public speaker, fund raiser...successful and well respected. Yet, the shame and isolation I felt at home was overwhelming. Domestic abuse is an equal opportunity crime. It goes across all racial, ethnic, socio-economical and religious/atheist backgrounds.

I still marvel at the level I was able to function in the midst of almost 25 years of abuse. The only thing I can attribute this to is the hand of the Lord was surely upon me. There is simply no other explanation. Plus, all the traveling abroad for well over a decade. These projects were very successful. The nations and people I got to meet over so many years...are a part of the very fabric of my soul. This is a love that was not born of my own was a "gift" for which I am extremely grateful.

If there had to be only one thing I could say I learned it would be spite of your own pain, we can still be a channel of love and blessing to others. I remember a quote by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He said "Undeserved suffering is always redemptive". This I have found though life experience is a fact. Another thing Dr. King said is "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere".

Domestic violence is "undeserved suffering" and also "injustice". We need to be reminded that we are not alone like we think we are. There are many that ache to be of help. Recently, I received a comment from a physician. You can read it on the "comment" section of the post "My Mind Was Screaming "FIRE!" This physician said "the silence ties our hands". Read his comment...he was letting us know that above all else we must tell someone.

So many of you don't feel safe enough for me to return your emails. The grief I share with you over this is deep. This is the reason I've added the hot line links for you. I wish I could just reach out to all of you that have such a wounded heart...and give you a (((hug))).

Some of you have asked if "everything has smoothed out" in my own life. No, it has not. Although I am remarried to a marvelous man, my former abuser is still in "contempt of court". He did not do as the judge ordered during the divorce proceeding. This has put a heavy burden on me. There is nothing I can do at the time. There are also several significant health issues I'm dealing with...some the direct result of the years of abuse.

Another thing several of you asked was if I was "still sad". No, I'm not sad. I prefer not to waste time being sad or depressed. There are too many others that need a "hand up" to get out of the abusive situations they find themselves. I've had my feet planted on both sides of that fence. Being on "this side of the fence" is much better. Yet, you all know that I didn't get here by myself. There was an army of individuals along the way that helped.

The one thing that surprised me was that my help did NOT come from where I thought it would. Like my church...I was part of leadership for two decades. I won't go into detail again, as I revealed much of this in earlier posts. My help came from unexpected sources. While I was teaching one of the things I was always saying "The Lord has His people placed in strategic places"...however, I had no clue that I was teaching that to myself...first.

Due to the lateness of the hour, I will say good night for now. Yet, be confident that there are so many praying for those of you in crisis situation...including myself. I get emails from friends & colleagues that read your comments. These have found a place of lodging within the hearts of many. Don't feel your Helper is by your side.

Kindest Regards,



Anonymous said...

Another wonderful post. I asked before but you haven't brout it up in any post. Do you have any book about this subject that you wrote? What if you cant get out to get any help and besides no one will believe me. Don't email me back but answer in a post OK?

Nikki said...

I need so much help. it doesnt seem worth it anymore

Anonymous said...

I do not want my address shown to other, please remove it

Kathryn said...

I want to reassure you that you're email address will never be shown.

Warm Regards,


Anonymous said...

I read this today and, as usual, it’s very good! This is such a great thing you’re doing. I KNOW your writings will give women hope that things really CAN change and give them the courage to “escape the trap”!

Anonymous said...

A standing ovation she receives
A cheer that shakes the foundation
A joyous celebration in her honour
An undeniable purpose

I'm not an abused
But a broken spirit I have
Yet hope for the human condition
I have found in the inspiring work you do
Please never stop

Anonymous said...

This book was a real eyeopener called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. As an educator, I see abuse in many forms and also have experienced it myself. You are never alone and remember that it is not your fault and you are not responsible for the behavior of someone else. Peace,

Anonymous said...

what are women like me supposed to do? i'm in a very rural area, no money of my own, he doesnt even let me drive the truck unless he goes too. My cloest family is almost 4 hours away. Now what?


Anonymous said...

thank you for your answer. I was scared that someone would see my email address.


Anonymous said...

As a family physican I know what you've written is true. You need to shout it from the rooftops if need be. Those in abusive relationships need to tell someone. If nothing is said, then nothing can be done. On an earlier post you let your readers know to do whatever it takes to get the care giver alone. This is imperative! There are those of us yearning to help, but the silence ties our hands.

From Colorado

Tom said...

Thank You for providing this needed information. As a health care provider I can not emphasize enough the need for awareness. So many are hurt by the silence that this issue faces in the mainstream press; women need to know that there are resources, and that they are not alone. Every life touches each other; as such we are all responsible. We can all help, but to do this we must move issues such as domestic violence to the forefront. We have begun to take the first step, let's not stop!

Anonymous said...

I've been in an abusive relationship for seven years. None of my family lives here and even though his familn knows whats going on, they say its my fault, becuase I need to do what he wants. This is a lie. No one knwos what is going on here. Pleae dont email me back. right now I'm at the library. Thank you for letting us know to go to the libray, as I didn't know that before reading it on your blog. Pray for me and my kids.

I live in Alabama

Nikki said...

I did like you said and called the women center. The first thing thay asked me was what county I live in. When I told them they told me I need to go to the county I live in. That's not possible! I live on the edge of two counties and to go to the other one is too far, and he would know. WHY does it matter what county you live in if you need help. This scares me.

Anonymous said...

the hosptial asked me in front of my boyfriedn if I live in a safe place. What did they expect that I would say. No one can ever get help if they do this. what's the matter with them, they ask as casually as if they were asking me about the wehther. The nurse never even looked up at me but kept typing on her computer. How dumb!
I live in Kansas.

Karolyn said...

my kids see abuse at home and my oldest is bullied at school. no one cares. his dad went to the school and nothing gets done. I never get to go anywhere alone and i dont know what to do.

Anonymous said...

women ane kids are mens propirty

Anonymous said...

me and my kids have no one to help us. the only reason i get to use the computer right now is that he's in the shower. i read your blog, give us some tips how to get out of this. we are in a rural area of Alaska. as far as i know, theres no help here. all my family is in CO

Anonymous said...

no one cares. no one

i live in Alasksa to

Anonymous said...

How can anyone get help when you already told you need help but everyone thinks its your fault since the husband is the wifes boss. Nothing will ever change. ever. and please stop saying someone will help becaus thats not always true.
The church about this and they like my husband. end of story

I live in Indiana