Friday, March 14, 2008

Will There Ever Be Peace in My Life?

This is my first time with a blog. Needless to say, that I had to have help to get even this far. I am filled with deep gratitude to my amazingly loving husband (of less than 2 years) and a woman that the Lord grafted into my heart almost 16 years ago. When I first met her, I was her 'teacher' she is teaching me. She has a beyond beautiful heart and filled with compasson.

No one knew the level of abuse that I was dealing with for just about 25 years. After all, it must have been 'my fault'...this is what I truly believed. I needed to "adapt myself to my husband's plan". There are those of you, that having read only the above words, would think I must have been within a 'church setting'. If you are thinking that, you are 100% correct. Not just within a church setting, but in a high level of leadership. The level of leadership spanned more than 23+ years.

I should back up...and let you know that from the time I was a child, the prejudices and strife between things people viewed as "differences" caused me great emotional pain. I didn't understand WHY people could not get along with those not exactly like themselves.

As a child I was taught about "race". I knew that I was of the "human race", but my new puppy was not "human". Those were the only differences that I could truly understand. Needless to say, when viewing on TV the horrors of what was taking place down south...I was shocked. How could this be happening? Why couldn't everyone vote? If everyone is "created equal"(as I was taught), how could all that I was seeing take place? How come no one was helping? Did the president know about this, too? I even asked my teacher if she could write a letter to the president, just in case he didn't see it (what I had viewed) on telelvision.

Being an unusually curious child, I asked questions...a LOT of questions. I soon learned that the questions I was asking somehow must be "off the wall". My questions soon began to go unanswered. The only purpose this served was that my curiosity grew!

Again, this is back tracking (I apologize) yet, feel what I'm about to share is important, as it will give you a glimpse into the way my thinking process was even as a 3 year old. I was sitting on the floor, in front of the TV. The children's program I was watching was to help kids learn how to put words together. The words for that day were: "...a little while ago." I words! I immediately went into my bedroom and lay down on my bed. I began practicing those new words..."a little while ago". I repeated them to myself over and over again.

That particular day, my mom was out running errands and my aunt was baby sitting us kids. When I thought I had mastered these 'new words'...I proudly went out to my where my aunt was. I said, "Aunt -----, I know more words!" However, what came out of my mouth, was definitely NOT pronounced came out, "...a lil' wah-go". My aunt said "Don't talk to me until you can speak English!"

Was I upset? Not in the least. I heard what came out of my mouth and knew it was not what I had learned on TV. So, being told to "speak English"...I went back into my bedroom and back onto my I could "practice". By the time my mom came home...I could say, "A little while ago"! This was my first big victory!!!

Good grief! I just realized, after writing so many paragraphs, that I hadn't even touched on the main reason for beginning this blog. Actually, there are several reasons for beginning to 'blog'...and Domestic Violence is the main reason.

Perhaps, it would be good to see if this blog gains any readers. I know for a fact that domestic violence is "across the board"...into ALL levels of background. When I had to flee my home and live in a shelter for domestic assaut ("safe house"), there were various races, socio-economical, and religious backgrounds represented. Just re-reading this paragraph caused me to begin weeping. I saw up close and personal...this touches more people than most would admit. It also let me see that a "personal protection order" doesn't necessarily protect those that need it...and that in some cases it produces more chaotic circumstances.

The one thing I most definitely would like you to know is that you are NEVER really alone. There are those waiting to help, but, unfortunately the ones needing help don't know where to begin.


Diane said...

This sounds like it will be a fascinating and much-needed blog. It's hard for women of domestic violence to go to someone for help, and I believe what you're doing here will be a great resource for women who may not otherwise be ready to come forward. Here, they can search for help while remaining anonymous. God bless your endeavors!

Jane Marie said...

Welcome to the blogging world. When I read your blog I felt like I was peeking into someone's private life when I shouldn't be. But what you are writing will be a help to many women. I look forward to the next installments.

Jane Marie said...

Welcome to the world of blogging. When I read your first post, I felt as though I was peeking into someone's private diary, but I know that what you write will help many women. I'm looking forward to reading the next posts.