Saturday, July 5, 2008

"Perpetrator or Victim?"

I would like to think that all of us who read these words understand the definition of violence. I also believe that rage is a large part of violence. Let's look at violence

  1. A man gets in a fight in a bar and snaps a pool cue over another man's head (concussion, sutures) because he did not like what the other man said.
    question? Who's the perpetrator and who is the victim ?

  2. A man gets cut off on the freeway and he decides to follow the other man and when the other car stops he starts a fight with this man (Broken nose). Again who is the victim?

  3. A woman is accused of not having dinner on the table at the designated time, in response to this the husband beats the wife resulting in (concussion, sutures on bottom lip) the woman was late because her child was injured on the playground, but her husband never gave her a chance to say "why" she was late. Now who's is the victim.

The reason for the exercise is that I believe that a compassionate understanding person would recognize that in each case the person who was beaten is the victim. One can easily determine that in these examples nothing was done to deserve this aggressive act. Now some of our more learned Biblical "scholars" who grace these pages with their comments, that a woman needs to be corrected and brought into submission under her husband's authority would really be condoning the rage of a violent act. Image if you will the in each case the perpetrator is the same man. Was he thinking Biblically each time he acted out and allowed rage to control him, or only when he beat his wife. Do you that read the Bible and adhere to loving words of our LORD believe that rage in the form of uncontrolled anger is prescribed by the text? In each case above the man let his emotions rage and the resulting violence is always barred by law and punishable by jail time.

You can couch violence against one's partner in purely Biblical terms but I believe that you are lying to yourself, when you fail to see that it was rage, uncontrolled anger and after the fact defended by the abuser as an act of Biblical correction. If you can show me how fractures, concussions, sutures, destruction of person property, and very often death are justified by the Bible when in fact what we are really looking at is rage pure and simple then I will print your comments. Since I know that you can't please refrain!

Dozens of you have forwarded to me an article written by a Baptist "Scholar". You've requested that I respond to the outrageous remarks given by it's author. I plan on doing this, but desire to not only read it, but listen to an audio version as well. Many times you can pick up on nuances in an audio version that may otherwise be absent in text. Although, I can't imagine anything being worse than what I've already read.

I found an excellent survey to help in determining if your relationship is abusive. Many times we make excuses for our partner. The reason I can say this with such confidence is that I made excuses, too. This survery was found on a site that also deals with domestic violence issues. . This site had many other links and 'help tools'.


Relationship Quiz: Am I In An Abusive Relationship?


Enter the number of points next to each question depending on the severity of each item:

Never: 0 points
Rarely: 1 point
Sometimes: 2 points
Frequently: 3 points

__ My partner teases me in a hurtful way in private or in public

__ My partner calls me names such as "stupid" or "bitch"

__ My partner acts jealous of my friends, family, or co-workers

__ My partner gets angry about clothes I wear or how I style my hair

__ My partner checks up on me by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to

__ My partner insists on knowing who I talk to on the phone

__ My partner blames me for their problems or bad mood

__ My partner gets angry easily, leaving me walking on eggshells

__ My partner throws or destroys things when angry

__ My partner hits walls, drives dangerously or does other things to scare me

__ My partner drinks excessively or uses drugs

__ My partner insists that I drink or use drugs whenever they do

__ My partner accuses me of being interested in someone else

__ My partner reads my mail, goes thru my personal space/items (ie. purse)

__ My partner keeps me from getting a job or finds ways to cause problems at my job

__ My partner keeps money from me, keeps me in debt, or has "money secrets"

__ My partner sold my car, made me give up my license, or won't repair my car

__ My partner has threatened to hurt me

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my children

__ My partner has actually hurt my children

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my pets

__ My partner has actually hurt my pets

__ My partner has threatened to hurt my friends or family

__ My partner has hurt a friend or family member

__ My partner has threatened to commit suicide if I leave

__ My partner has struck me with hands or feet - slapped, punched, kicked

__ My partner has struck me with an object or threatened me with a weapon

__ My partner has given me visible injuries - bruises, welts, cuts

__ I have had to administer first aid to myself due to injuries from my partner

__ My injuries have been serious enough to seek treatment - doctor, hospital, clinic, paramedic

__ My partner forces me to have sex when I don't want to

__ My partner forces me to have sex in ways that I don't want to

__ My partner has been in trouble with the police

__ My partner acts one way in front of others, and another way when we are alone

__ My partner is secretive or lies about past relationships

__ I feel isolated and alone and have no one I can really talk to

__ I have lost friends because of my partner/partner's actions

__ I no longer see some of my family because of my partner

__ I have thought about calling the police because of an incident of violence

__ I have actually called the police on one or more occasions

__ I am afraid to call the police because of threats from my partner


0-17: Generally Non-abusive

These are likely to be the sorts of strains that are not unusual in relationships. Do NOT, however, make the mistake of brushing off any incident of violence or threat of violence, no matter how isolated!

18-58: Moderately Abusive

This is a home experiencing some violence at least once in a while. It may be that this is a relationship where violence is just beginning. In a new relationship there is good reason to expect it will eventually escalate into more serious forms and may occur more frequently.

59-95: Seriously Abusive

Scores in this range indicate a seriously abusive relationship that can, under outside pressure, or with the sudden strain of a family emergency, move into the dangerously severe range. Serious injury is quite probable if it has not already occurred. Please consider getting help, even leaving.

96 and up: Dangerously Abusive

If you scored in the top range, you need to consider even more seriously the option of leaving, at least temporarily, while you consider your next move. The violence will not take care of itself or miraculously disappear. Over time the chances are very good that your life and/or the lives of your children will be in danger.

Kindest Regards,



Anonymous said...

I took the test that you put in what you wrote. The answers didn't surprise me. It let showed me what I alredy knwo. What I don't know, is how do I get out of here? You need to know that there is no help out here in rural areas. Everything is so far.

Anonymous said...

The women that post scripture need to pay more attention to their household duties. My guess would be they are busy bodies. You obviously have others that spout your type rhetoric.

One of those that posted scripture asked if the comment referrenced was written by a Christian. Well, the answer is YES! Is it so unusual to think that we actually believe that the husband is the head of the house? We do believe it. What is written is fact.

Anonymous said...

As a man, I have some questions for you abusers –

If it’s alright to abuse your wife and children, why is the common theme to keep it quiet? Why do almost all letters from abusers say to shut up? Why do you only abuse behind closed doors? Why don’t you slap her in public? Why don’t you belittle her in public? Why don’t you tell people that you’re a wife beater? If abuse is not wrong, you shouldn’t have any problem with others seeing it or knowing about it should you?

Another question: If your sister or your daughter or your mother told you they were being abused, how would you feel? If your married daughter said her husband abused her how would you feel? If your teenage daughter came home from a date bruised from being raped by her boyfriend, how would you feel? Now just think that your wife is someone’s sister, or daughter or mother. If it’s not alright for a teenage boy to rape your daughter, why is it ok for you to rape your wife? Isn’t it the same thing?

If abuse is promoted using the Biblical “submission” excuse, why is abuse not promoted in the Bible? Show me ANY Bible passage where a woman or child is abused – JUST ONE! In what passage in the Bible does Jesus slap a woman? I must have missed that one. And what are you going to say when you die and stand in front of God and He asks why you abused the woman he created? What Bible verse will you try to twist to justify the abuse? Everyone will face God when they die – even you - and you will have to give an accounting for the abuse you dished out. If you think you won’t then think again. God sees everything that you try to hide behind closed doors. The punishment God sends you to will be thousands of times worse than you can imagine and you will pay dearly for the punishment you dish out. When your wife dies, her pain will stop. When you die, your pain will be just beginning…

Anonymous said...

Ladies, you only live once on this earth. Do you want to spend your one life being abused and humiliated, or do you want to stand up for yourself and have the life you deserve? You are a child of God and do NOT have to take any form of abuse! Don’t listen to the lies that you’re worthless, or will never amount to anything or that can’t make it on your own! Those are lies from a man who wants you to believe you can’t make it without him – but you CAN! Women break free every day and never look back! The only way these pathetic little men can hold you is through fear and intimidation, but you do NOT have to put up with it! Don’t fall for the sad faces they put on after abusing you when they say it will never happen again. That is a lie and he’s just setting you up for the next round. Let them find someone else to beat up because YOU deserve better and it’s your time to do this for you! Anything you are told that is negative or leads to more abuse is a total lie to control you and keep you submissive to even more abuse. It will NEVER end until YOU say ENOUGH and break free! Abusers will do whatever you allow them to do. If you keep coming back for more, he will dish it out. The cycle of abuse will only end when YOU end it by getting out. Other women do that every day and so can you!

Anonymous said...

I sent the page with the questionnaire to my sister. This is the first time I've been bold enough to approach the topic of domestic abuse with her. Her situation is extreme. She constantly makes excuses for him. It's as if she's been brainwashed or something. He never lets her be with any of us alone. He is always present. He never even lets any of us babysit for them. My brother told me he had stopped over there unannounced last week. My niece was in the backyard. There were visible bruises on her little legs. When my brother noticed her in the backyard, my sisters boyfriend immediately called her inside and told him that my sister was laying down.

We don't know what to do. Suggestions?

Anonymous said...


Kathryn said...

Having traveled extensively in Eastern Europe and prior to getting so involved there, spent some time in Russia for shorter periods of time.

I came across something today that was extremely disturbing to me. It was an interview given by Gregory Feifer on NPR.

***He said. "July 17, 2008 · Domestic violence is one of Russia's darkest secrets. The government estimates that 14,000 women die each year at the hands of their husbands or male partners. But Russian police don't even classify domestic abuse as a crime. It's a social problem few Russians ever mention".***
Then later in the day, I had four readers of this blog email this interview to me. Since, others too, were disturbed by this, I thought I'd share it with all of you.

Can you imagine, Russian police do NOT even classify domestic abuse as a crime, even though 14,000 women die each year at the hand of their partner. This is beyond outrageous!


Fabianna said...

Good test. Thank you Kathryn for doing your best to help people who are going through what you went through. Not me in particular, by the way but even so.....

wisdomteachesme said...

greetings to you my sister,

i just want you to know that i praise God for giving your heart something to say for Him.

i am humbled and honored to call you my sister and i boldly stand with you as you speak what God has put into your heart to say!
I thank God our Father for your life and i thank Jesus for saving it.

His Word and Truth are a healing Balm! and that is what i have been doing, praying, praising, and thanking His Holy Spirit for raining down His healing Oil every place it is needed. in Jesus name, amen

in the name of our brother Jesus i thank Him for providing you with the strength and wisdom that you need to daily accomplish all that He has sent.
i pray that what is in your heart as you speak it also provides to the people with need- the love, wisdom, confidence, strength, truth and faith in such an abundance there will be overflow for the latter days.
The blessing that the Lord Himself spoke over you creates ripples that cast out blessings for all in need of Jesus. from your one many rec'ed! in His name, stay in His love my sister.

Barbara said...

Hi Kathryn
I'm wanting to contact you about my book Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce for Abuse, Adultery and Desertion. Can't find how to send you a simple email. Can you please get in touch with me. My address is and my book can be seen at
Hope to hear from you soon.
Bless you

Carrie said...

I have to say that although I saw all of these checklists and such before my 'eye opening' dv incident, I never really 'saw it' until I was in the hospital. Suddenly, there was pamphlet after booklet after social worker and it was so obvious. It was like I somehow knew all along but had made it ok or made excuses for it. Anyways.. just rambling. I've started writing my own story on my blog and was pleasantly surprised to find yours. :)