I've received emails from many of you, asking why I hadn't done a recent article. I apologize for the delay. However, as most of you already know, I'm dealing with several health issues...most of which are related to the years of abuse. There have been numerous appointments and tests with my physician, yet, I'm left with more questions than answers.From the comments I've gotten on this blog, it's obvious that most of you had run into the same difficulty I had. The problem was thinking that your church or the medical profession would readily help you.
It is certainly not my intention to say that all churches, and all medical personnel are not willing to help. Yet, it's been my own personal experience that where you think there would be help...there may be no help at all. Many of you have echoed similar experiences.
However, now, I've finally gotten the "ear" of a few medical personnel and a few church leaders. It appears that with the majority of the medical professionals, they are content to rely on their statistics to gather necessary information on the demographics of the problem and how to best be of assistance. Yet, statistics can be skewed to the view of the one gathering the information.
I still get many emails from you telling me that some (not all) nurses in the Emergency Departments, or Immediate Care facilities are not even bothering to look up from the keyboard when they ask you, if you are living in a safe environment. You are also telling me that you are not being asked this when alone...and this is critical, that you be alone! None of us, having been in an abusive relationship would ever admit to being abused with our abuser standing right there. Personally, I've found it unsafe with anyone being there. There were many times my abuser refused to even take me to the hospital for treatment, instead having his sister or another female relative accompany me. Needless to say, I could never admit to abuse in front of them, as they always reported back to him what I said.
Then there are many churches, like the one I was involved for over two decades (and in leadership). It was here that I was told, "That's just the way he is"..."What are you doing to "provoke" him"..."You have no Biblical grounds for divorce"..."You need to adapt yourself to your husbands plans"...and a numerous array of reasons why the abuse was "my fault".
I encourage you to read previous posts I've written as there is an enormous amount of information contained within them. You can read for yourself, the betrayal of a friend of over 20 years...the total disconnect of my own pastor...the lack of help from the medical community...including the hospital calling my abuser to tell him the time to have me at the hospital and what entrance to use!
There was a time, while attempting to make a hasty retreat from my abuser, I fell off the porch. This resulted in multiple fractures, torn hamstring, etc. During this time, I received a letter from my pastor. This when I still thought that, perhaps, my pastor would understand and intervene with some sorely needed help. I was so excited when I received the letter, I tore it open immediately.
Below you'll see a 'verbatim' account of a bit (for privacy purposes, I'm not publishing it in it's entirety) of his letter. After reading it, I was devastated. Obviously, I am not going to include names of individuals.
---------------------------------
“Dear X,
Sincere Christian Greetings!
----------------------------------------
There was absolutely no validity to a single issue...not one. And at no time was I contacted by anyone. My absence had nothing to do with the church...it had everything to do with my abuser. He said "
Another letter he'd written me of a perceived wrong doing on my part...I was not even within the United States. However, no one bothered to check his or her facts. When it was discovered that I wasn't even in the country...no apology was offered...no anything.
There are enormous resources available to help those of you in crisis. I simply wanted to let you know that your help may not come from where you think it will. However, don't give up and certainly don't back down...as there is help! I have some resource contacts on my site.
Help also comes in unexpected ways. This is what taught me that a 'coincidence is when the Lord decides to remain anonymous'.
If I could reach out and (((hug))) each one of you, I'd do it. Be reminded that you are being prayed for by an army of women that care!
Kindest Regards,
Kathryn
33 comments:
i wrote to you before and let you know that i was told to go to the womens center in my own county. that is to far away. does this mean theres no help for me?
i cant use the computer at home. the ideas you wrote about in the past really helped. thank you
could you answer this question when you do your next post?
Delaware
Amen! Me too - I could have written this, even down to the long-term physical issues as the result of the abuse. I never got that exact letter - but those words? Oh, yes, absolutely.
If enough of us speak out, hopefully eventually things will change. And in the meanwhile, others walking in the same place can know they are not alone.
Thank you for this!
-- Danni
dannimoss.wordpress.com
I'm afraid all the time. My kids dont know what to think seeing their dad beating me and calling me names. He even took our 7 yr old son with him when he picked up a prostitute.
There's no where I could go that I would really feel safe. My family doesnt even live in this state.
I really like your blog but I am writing in response to 'anonymous'and her comments. It is very sad to feel like nobody can help you. Please try to reach out to someone else if your local shelter is far way. You are not alone.Good luck!
living in a rural area there is no help near by. plus, my son has autism. even if we were to get away from this hell hole with his dad, what do I do with my son? any information will be helpful
Men have the responsibility to bring correction to a wife that does not submit. You need to learn some facts before you spout off all your heresy.
We are the head of the home. This is fact not fiction!
Kathryn,
You are totally right when you said not to expect help to come from some churches. None comes from my church. My pastor knows what going on. He called us both into the office and had a printed out text of what I need to do in order to be a "biblical wife". This thinking is insane! Let me mention, that during this office visit, I had a blackeye and visible bruises on both hands.
Kentucky
"Men have a responsibility to bring correction to a wife that does not submit..."
Quote me chapter and verse on that one, would you? It's not in the Bible.
Chapter and verse. Every one of these comments that are against what this writer has said, MUST include chapter and verse. Anything else is just personal attack. What does God say in His Word? If it's not in His Word, it is just hot air and bigotry.
-- Danni
For women wanting help, I don't know your circumstances. I wish I could personally rescue every one of you. But I do know the heart of my God. Read Luke 4:8,19.
One thing I have seen in my own circumstances, when I looked at them with an attitude of hopelessness, the situation really was hopeless. But God will not remain deaf to those who cry out to Him and keep crying out.
His timing and His ways are beyond our comprehension - so it might not be this week or next. But God promises to set at liberty those who are bound. His message is for hope and freedom.
We must keep our eyes on God's hope. Instead of seeing how it is impossible, we need to keep our eyes open for how it can be done anyway. Where is that window? It's there, God is bringing it. If we're sure it's impossible, we'll miss the window because we're looking down in defeat.
Meanwhile, we need to do what we can do. Make the preparations you can now, and wait patiently for God's redemption. God has more good things to teach us in the meanwhile.
While I wish I could undo the years I spent in an abusive marriage, what I know today and all that I have to share, I learned by staying on my face with God during all those years. God had a plan, He always has a redemptive plan; that is His nature. In His time He rescued me and showed me that window.
And He is infinitely creative. His way for you will be something you can't figure out on your own. He's way bigger than that. Your part is just to believe He will make a way and take one step at a time as He makes it clear.
-- Danni
a bunch of squawking women crying over some guy that caused him to slug them. get a life
All I can add to this is to keep seeking help, never give up, keep looking for a way out! I wish I could grab every one of you by the hand and pull you out of the ditch you're in. I will instead pray to the one who can reach His hand out where I cannot! Keep checking this blog for help. I know this woman and have for 15 years. If anyone has God's guidance to help you, it is her. She speaks the truth and from deep in her heart.
I'm so angry and frustrated. The only thing that makes any sense at all are the things you write. What's wrong with the churches? My experience has been the same as yours. Only difference is that my husband IS the pastor. Our church is accountable to other ministries. I went to the pastor above my husband and explained the level of abuse. He told me I need to support my husband in ministry as it's very stressful on him.
I felt like slapping his face. He is totally clueless. Since I went to him, it made it much worse on both me and the kids. That pastor, who I went to in confidence, called my husband before I even had the time to drive home.
Kathry, you are also 100% accurate concerning the medical people. They may say they care, but they do not. If they did, they would educate themselves on the responsible way to communicate with us when we come in to get emergency medical help. The medical people need a real wake up call. Maybe you can do something on your end. Someone needs to be a voice for us that have no voice.
I have 3 kids and am expecting another child in August. The idea of bringing another baby into this abusive situation scares me half to death. Anything and everything sets him off. We are all, kids included walking on eggshells.
HELP!
What a bunch of damn cry babies. A slap never killed anyone. You need to shape up and learn a few things
Kathryn,
I think you have one or two "railers" lurking in the shadows to taunt you. This is not the work of many; it is the work of one or two cowards.
To the anonymous mocker...
What does the Word say?
Where's that chapter and verse? I gave you a challenge and you aren't even attempting to "man" up to it. If you don't have chapter and verse to back up what you are saying, you have no voice - your words are nothing but scornful mocking (Ps. 1) and utterly worthless.
This is what the Word -- not me -- says about you...
"But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat." I Cor. 5:11
"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God." I Cor. 6:9,10
"Judge not, that ye be not judged.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." Matthew 7:1-5
-- Danni
"Yet Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses, durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said, The Lord rebuke thee.
But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they know naturally, as brute beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves.
Woe unto them! for they have gone in the way of Cain, and ran greedily after the error of Balaam for reward, and perished in the gainsaying of Core." Jude 1:9-11
I want to apologize for being anonymous with this comment. There's a reason for this.
Being an Associate Pastor in a southern state, I know what you say concening the church is the truth. There is much that can be done to intervene in domestic abuse situation, but it is routinely overlooked. This is one area that is not addressed as it is viewed as a "no no". Who wants to get their hands dirty by meddling in a marriage. This thinking is totally against scripture and I know it.
When I have sought to intervene, my Senior Pastor basically tells me to butt out. My wife & I are planning on leaving this church for not only this reason, but there is no integrity behind closed doors in this ministry.
Many times I've tried to discuss this with my Senior Pastor, he refuses to listen. The only response we've received is that if we are not in agreement with the "house vision" we need to pray and seek the Lord. This is rubbish!
We have always been in agreement with the "house vision", what we are not in agreement with is the absolute control that is exercised over God's people. We, as ministers, are to help God's people to grow and develop in the gifts and talents the Lord has placed within them.
This is not what's taking place. Unfortunatley, this is not uncommon, but is what you will usually find in most churches. It's very discouraging from a ministry stand point.
Kathryn what you say is right on target. Never stop saying what you know is the truth. There are more listening than you may be aware of.
Kathryn
I've had the same experiences that many have spoken about. When I had to be taken to the hospitl no one asked me anything. My boyfriend twisted my wrist backwards and it broke, I also had to get four stiches in my lower lip. He never left my side. How come hospital people don;t care? People say they do, but if they did wouldnt they do something? Same with churches. They are are a bunch of hypocrits. Say one thing and do another.
I wrote you once before. I told you that my parents live in another state. Now I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do.
Kathryn,
I'm contacting you again because he flew into a fit last night. He picked up a lamp and tossed it through the living room window. Then he blamed me for making him mad. I had nothing to do with it. I was outside with the kids in the backyard.
I just don't know what to do, and being pregnant again makes everything that much harder. My oldest son is terrified of his dad. He told me last night that when he grows up he wants to punch him.
It was a difficult decision on whether or not to write you again. But I didn't know who else to talk to. Thank you for being there. You sure must have a big heart. I can tell by the things you write. It's also clear tht you have suffered a great deal.
My husband is a pastor in a medium sized church. Pastor's wives are viewed as an extension of their husbands. We are expected to be as involved as they are. This is an impossibility for me. I'm a victim of domestic abuse, too. There is no one for me to talk to. Several of our ladies are volunteers at the nearest women's resource center. It would be a very unwise decision on my part to try and access the help I need. One worry I don't have is children. My two children are grown and on their own.
There is even less help, in many churches, than you may realize. Two other pastors wives have confessed to me that they are being abused. We all live within the same city. I feel ashamed after speaking to them. There is no way I can admit to them, how their lives reflect my own.
You said that your counsellor said your former church was toxic. The word toxic is too vague a term to adequately describe the degree of dysfunction.
Continue speaking out. Make it loud. Make it clear.
Kathryn what you have said is right on the money. I applaud you and others for standing up and speaking the truth.
http://rumination2.blogspot.com/
Thank you for speaking out!! My mother was the abuser and a psychopath and I always find it nice to run into others who understand. My story is at http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/
Kathryn,
I received your e-mail and am reposting the comment again as you requested.
Kathryn,
I know when I interview a client I ALWAYS, even when they request and have signed a release to have their significant other present, speak to the client alone at some point. Always. One reason is because of exactly what you have mentioned.
I also want to say that I have been with my wife for 15+ years and I would never, ever, ever consider it proper or accpetable for me to abuse her in any way no matter what and if I did there would be absolutely no excuse for it and the fault would be completely mine. It saddens me to no end when I see the damage that is caused by DV and how "accepted" it is by people who should be railing against it.
Thank you for your blog and I wish you well!!
http://rumination2.blogspot.com/
Hello Kathryn, Thank you for referring me to your blog. I can see I will be busy reading your posts. About the resources you found at "Woman Submit" One of the books, WOMAN SUBMIT: CHRISTIANS & DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, is available free for download at www.WomanSubmit.com or at www.Lulu.com/jocelynandersen . I will also contact Susan Greenfield with a link to your blog. ~~jocelyn andersen
Reading some of these comments have given me the courage to speak up.
My husband is a pastor. No one would have any idea of the way he is at home. He has a violent temper. Since Christmas, I've had to seek immediate medical help three times. No medical person asked me a thing. The nurse that was on duty, recogized us immediately. After all, my husband is the pastor. She was so glad to see him, it was as if I were invisible.
Please don't tell me to try and tell someone, as a pastor's wife, there is no one to confide.
Did you know that he even uses the Bible to justify his abuse?
This is the lowest point of my life.
I had to delete a comment. After rereading it, I determined it had too much identifiable information. I'll paraphrase it's contents:
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The comment was from a female attorney living on the east coast. My blog site address was forwarded to her from a colleague. She said once her colleague forwarded this address, she asked "why" she had sent it to her. The colleague let her know that she's seen the bruises on her arms and hands over these past few months and suspected she may be a victim of domestic abuse.
This was a source of hope for this lady, as now she has someone to talk to.
She said due to the fact she is an attorney, no one would believe she is a victim of domestic abuse. Her husband is a full partner in the firm she is employeed. Other than the one colleague that had given her this site address...no one knows.
She said that she's bound by fear. Her two children are also fearful of their father. She feels trapped...and said that if she were to seek help at the womens center, she' afraid her husband is sure to find out.
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Kindest Regards,
Kathryn
For the attorney --
I have a friend who is an attorney, was married to an attorney and had two children -- and was abused by her husband. Our pastors kept telling her to stay. She had a heart attack at 40. Eventually, her husband divorced her because he wanted to marry someone younger and hotter.
I completely understand what you're saying about people not believing it. You're right. I think that may have been a strike against me in court, too. It's hard to believe it can happen to someone who is well educated, erudite and appears confident and successful.
But God still has hope. Can you keep a private log? Does your husband work in the same firm as you? If not, can you keep a log there? Write down everything abusive he does every day. Do this for months (and write down what you remember from the past). Take pictures of bruises with a digital camera and leave the drive at work, or download onto a flash drive and leave that at work and delete off the camera. Very soon you will have plenty of evidence to take to the authorities.
With evidence of physical violence you can get a legal aid attorney. Or, if you can afford it, get the most vicious divorce shark money can buy - I saw this because he is an attorney and he is going to use every single dirty trick in the book. You MUST fight for yourself. You are worth standing up for - as are your children. It is not mean -- you are standing up for your welfare and for the welfare of your children.
My friend did not do this. She "turned the other cheek" and tried to make peace without going to court. She got no alimony, she lost custody of her daughter (who she had evidence was being abused by the father), she lost all the money they had invested, she lost the equity in their very expensive home - probably to the tune of about a million dollars all told. She has struggled physically and financially ever since, and it has been around 10 years now.
As long-time victims, and as Christians who have heard the Word mis-taught for many years, we think we are being righteous somehow in not fighting. The point is, this is about righteousness, it is about our children's safety. This is NOT the time for turning the other cheek and making peace with our adversary before he takes us to court.
At the same time that God tells us to be harmless as doves, He also tells us to be wise as serpents. This is the time for wise as serpents. There is nothing malicious in standing up for yourself, and fighting fire with fire, so you're not violating the "harmless" part either.
There is hope!
-- Danni
My wife came from an abusive background. When she found your site, she let me know that you are one smart cookie. This site is the topic of conversation almost everyday. We both also recognize how much you must have suffered.
She has forwarded this to the women's center here in Boston. She has received much benefit from reading what you have to say.
I want to say thank you for all you're doing to sound the alarm.
July 2, 2008 10:15 PM
The above post, I had to delete his blog name... as once I clicked on it, I saw that it contained far too much personally identifiable information.
Kindest Regards,
Kathryn
I've carefully read everything you've written to this point. You are not only rebellious, but most likely unattractive as well. Or you knew you couldn't get any better than what you had. You obviously knew nothing about the scripture, even though in what you write to say you're a Christian. The husband is the absloute head of the household. This is not a suggestion, it it fact. You may need to align yourself with His word, rather than go your own way. I can understand why your husband felt the need to bring order to your life.
anonymous,
Since when does physical appearance have any influence upon an individual's intelligence, qualifications as a wife, or ability to understand Scripture? To add such a comment into your supposed argument makes you appear petty-minded and ignorant. If you want to speak with authority, you need to bring authority to the table -- the authority of the Word. Where can you support what you say from the Word? Anything less is worthless. Show me in the Word where it says a man can beat his wife and she is required to stay and let him do it again. It's not in there.
Mt. 20:25-28
But Jesus called them unto him, and said, Ye know that the princes of the Gentiles exercise dominion over them, and they that are great exercise authority upon them.
But it shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister;
And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant:
Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
-- Danni
You sound so stupid. Many have told you that you are severely lacking in the Biblical knowledge you claim to know. Men are the head of the house. Why do you seem to ignore this fact. From reading the comments under the things you write, I'm not the only one telling you this.
My guess is that your alone and just tying to stir up stife between a man & his wife. You need to get some education in the Bible. The other thing I believe is correct, is that you must have no friends either.
You sound so stupid. Many have told you that you are severely lacking in the Biblical knowledge you claim to know. Men are the head of the house. Why do you seem to ignore this fact. From reading the comments under the things you write, I'm not the only one telling you this.
My guess is that your alone and just tying to stir up stife between a man & his wife. You need to get some education in the Bible. The other thing I believe is correct, is that you must have no friends either.
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WOW is this coming from a Christian? Sounds like the poster is unaware of the scripture speaking against sounding prideful, and should be showing love.
The bible says alot more than HEAD, and its a shame that so many don't seem to understand those portions. Scripture states that a man must have a humble spirit as Jesus did.
Its a shame that some men are so threatened by that they aren't capable of calling sin a sin. Ever wonder what men's HEAD would say about that? Sinful behavior? It certainly didn't say you are LORD yourself over your spouse!
Gosh, you keep at it! Always speak out, one of my favourites is also Martin Luther, Injustice is a threat to Justice anywhere....i also like very much "our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter" So you must never become silent.
Good on you, in all this for not being silent, a man who wishes to be the head of the home, does so by being a man, not an abuser, he leads his family in soundness not in abuse.
Churches can be controlling, sorry but that is a fact, even leaders can be and as seen many of the leaders can also be abusive, control, power and abuse is a cycle.
Many times God is left standing outside the church whilst men rule.
Anonymous said men have the right to bring correction to the wife...no they do not and never will, perhaps you have read little of the bible you profess to teach from?
No wonder people outside the church
have such views on it all, after reading most of these comments that say such ignorant things, am appalled and is certainly not any witness to any of your churches.
"Come to my church we believe it is right for a man to hit a woman whenever he wants" Now who on this earth would wish to mix people with like that?
What person with morals and sound judgement would ever wish to be part of a people like that?
Or we believe as another anonymous poster said "a slap never killed anyone" i would certainly never let my family around anyone like that.
Neither would the majority of sane people.
What statements, by there very tone suggest that these people are also abusive, definetely in their words,
ignorant, by the way no true Christian would ever speak in such a manner.
Have never understood how someone can speak as such and still class themselves as a Christian, it is opposite to everything the bible they profess to believe in teaches.
But hey hang out your slogans outside your churches for all to see, PLEASE, come in here we think abuse, hitting a woman is okay, we condone abuse, we think a woman should be abused and put in order, whenever we feel like it, we just hit our women, may be stress, anger, anything, we just take it on the woman......Am sure people will be flooding through the doors to associate with you.........NOT.
One day Katherine and i do not know you, "For such a time as this".....Esther......you have purpose, you need to speak out, you can make the difference in your place, it sure seems like someone needs to do so.
Be strong and courageous, go on.....am not part of any church, for the reasons i see on here, was a leader years ago, am a victim of abuse just like you. That is why i relate....
We are a group of friends that know and worked with a young woman named Joy Loftin while she was employed at the Vanderbilt YMCA here in New York City. During the length of her employment, several extremely disturbing incidents occurred that cause us to be concerned and call into question the motives and the integrity of Shan Colorado Finnerty, Hortensia Colorado, and Elvira Colorado.
On several occasions, Joy came to work with visible bruises on her neck and arms. She eventually explained to us that Shan had punched, beaten, and choked her and she asked us for help. As wardens for the community, we tried to place Joy in women’s shelters around the city in an effort to mitigate the abuse. However, at the urging of Shan’s mother and aunt, Hortensia and Elvira, she returned to their apartment and refused to press criminal charges against Shan Colorado Finnerty. The abuse continued and one day, she came to work very early, visibly distressed and crying, with more bruises and abrasions. She said that Shan had verbally abused and beaten her once again; that she wanted to return to California, and that she was going to quit her job and reunite with her family. She tendered her resignation later that week. Out of concern for her safety and in an effort to find out what happened to her, we requested an officer from the domestic violence unit of the 5th Precinct conduct a welfare check at their home on Kenmare Street. However the officer was unable to find anyone at the apartment, and therefore could not verify that Joy was safe. We realize that she is suffering from battered women’s syndrome and may be unable to help herself due to the isolationist environment that the Colorados have formed around her. Abusive men are often enabled by their family, while the victim is persuaded to believe the abuse is her fault, and the pattern of emotional and physical trauma continues. Taking into consideration what has happened to Joy Loftin, it is especially deceitful that their display "Altar: El Llanto De La Resistancia" at the American Indian Community House was in part dedicated to victims of domestic violence.
In light of these events, we are dismayed, disappointed, and outraged to know that members of the American Indian Community would commit, condone, and perpetuate domestic abuse and violence, while simultaneously conducting workshops, writing and performing plays, and displaying works and art that would have the public and those who support them believe otherwise. It is a vulgar and offensive misrepresentation of American Indian Culture, and further support of Coatlicue Theater, Hortensia Colorado, Elvira Colorado, Shan Colorado Finnerty and their work is tantamount to supporting domestic abuse and violence. Considering their duplicitous behavior, having them represent American Indian Culture is an insult to the dignity of American Indians and an affront to human beings.
We therefore will not attend nor support any Coatlicue Theater productions or events where they will be featured. We will be encouraging others that might consider attending, participating, or funding them to do the same. Our actions are warranted, and to be associated with the aforementioned individuals and Coatlicue Theater would be equivalent to enabling and contributing to such offensive behaviour. We are urging everyone to reevaluate their support of Coatlicue Theatre and the Colorados, and question the individuals concerned. Until the responsible individuals are held accountable and measures are taken to verify that the abuse is no longer occurring, we will continue with our boycott of Coatlicue Theatre and we will strongly urge others to do the same.
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