"Beaten Down With Both Fists & Words"

Rarely have I ever done an article back to back. There are so many emails I receive regarding each article I've written, that I've purposely left them up for about a week before writing a new one. However, due to some of the most ridiculous "comments" I've gotten, I decided to go ahead and post back to back.


It's my desire to let my readers know of some of the mean spirited and ignorant "comments's" that come my way. Some even cloak their disdain for women by quoting the Bible. Now, I do need to let you know for each one I allow to be published there are about a dozen others like it, that I cannot publish as they are just too vile.


There is a serious "disconnect" between the description of Domestic Abuse/Assault and the description within the minds of the abusers. Below I'm going to copy verbatim just a few of the "comments" that I did allow to be published on my blog. Once you read them, you too, will see the irrational thinking between truth and reality. It's not rocket science to understand that abuse is always wrong...no shades of gray. The Lord would never condone this violence upon any of His children.
-------------------------------------

said...

women ane kids are mens propirty

April 10, 2008 7:28 PM

said...

You are helping to break up familes. The man is the head of the house not the wife. The wife and kids belong to the man. Men have a rite to hit her if she disobeys. you need to educate yourself on facts!

April 16, 2008 9:26 PM

said...

why dont you keep your trap shut all your doing is making more troubel

April 25, 2008 9:45 PM

said...

I think you have a big mouth and understand nothing of the relationship between men and women. The woman is to be subject to the man. This is not knew information. You forget that its the man that takes care of his female. It's her job to take care of him.

May 3, 2008 1:59 PM

said...

your stupid and need to keep your big mouth shut. you must not have a man in your life becausw if you did you wouldn’t be talking such trash

May 9, 2008 5:05 AM

said...

you are a foolish woman thinking that you are not the property of a man. But you probably don't even have a man in your pathetic littel life.

May 20, 2008 10:29 PM

Anonymous said...

Do yourself a favor and keep your pie hole shut. Giving women information is only going to get them into more trouble. You need to uderstand that according to the bible they are to be in subjection to their husbands.

May 22, 2008 7:35 AM

I made the decision to not change so much as a word. I left in the spelling and grammar errors.
Those of you that have been reading this blog all along also know the "comments" I receive from numerous women that tell me their churches are not helping. You also tell me that the medical profession has let you down as well.



Many of you have told me that when asked "Are you living in a safe environment?" You are asked this question with your abuser present, and rarely, if ever does the intake/triage nurse even look up at you from the keyboard when addressing you.


I must confess that this has happened to me, too...and more times than I can count. A couple articles back I relayed to you exactly what happened to me when I was going in for (what I thought would be) outpatient surgery. It was beyond outrageous! If you hadn't read it, I encourage you to do so.

I've located a profound truth in the movie titled "The Great Debaters":

• Who is the Judge?
• The judge is God!
• Why is it God?
• Because HE decides who wins or looses, not my opponent.
• Who is your opponent?
• He doesn’t exist.
• Why doesn’t he exist?
• He is merely a dissenting voice to the truth I speak.
• Speak the truth!

So, to those of you out there who have heard from anyone* that : you don't support your husband, you need to stick it out, if you follow your mate this wouldn't have happened, you need to adapt yourself to your husband's plans, you have no Biblical right to seek a divorce, you've provoked him to anger or any other comment that keeps you in the bondage of violence and emotional cruelty you can look your oppressor in the eye and believe that God knows who's right and who's wrong. They* are merely a dissenting voice to THE TRUTH YOU SPEAK! Therefore, to you these people do not exist. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem.

* Church leaders, neighbors, family, do-gooders, medical professionals, your own self-doubt and anyone that's not walked in your shoes.

You already know how I'm going to close this article...I wish I could reach out and (((Hug))) each and every one of you that are hurting.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"There Is A Language To Tears"

Many years ago I learned that there is a "language" to tears. It was while attending Bible college that I learned that the Lord understands the "language" of tears we shed.

So often the tears of fear, frustration, loneliness, isolation, regret and most of all, tears of believing that nothing could truly ever change for me, regarding the years of abuse I'd been accustomed...led to deep despair.

After all, I had already gone to those in leadership above me within the church. Hadn't I been told that it was me that must be doing something to provoke him? I believed this, and set out to be the "perfect wife". Although, his out of control fits of anger were well known even in board meetings---and always excused his behavior as "That's just the way he is".



Needless to say, there is no such thing as being "perfect" at anything. Even though I was trying my best to be the "perfect" wife...I had once forgotten to turn out the light in the garage. So enraged he'd become that he threw a hammer at me, fracturing my jaw. There are literally dozens of instances I could give to validate that being "perfect" has no bearing upon someone that decides to become angry.



Recently, I came across some information that surprised even me, it has to so with stalking. Due to the fact I'm considered highly educated, I thought I could depend on my natural abilities. It was pointed out, that often those are the very ones that make the easier targets! The article below comes from "No Nonsense Self-Defense" written by Marc & Dianna Mac Young. This is not the article in it's entirety, but dealt with the subject matter I brought up within this post.

-------------------

DON'T Try to handle it yourself

This is THE most common mistake women make when it comes to stalkers. Bottom line here, if the guy
a) didn't already know he could take you
b) was afraid of you and what you can do, and
c) wasn't pretty sure he could get away with it --

HE WOULDN'T BE DOING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!

While it is terrifying to believe so, such a person has been studying you like an insect. He knows your strengths, weaknesses, blind-spots, emotional reactions and what lengths you are willing to go to better than you do. That is because he has been studying you, testing you and training you like a dog to react a certain way. And that is no exaggeration, such people are expert manipulators and usually have a long time dealing with you before the problems became this severe. You are playing against a stacked deck already. No matter how confident, self-assured or competent you think yourself, realize that he knows your strengths and weaknesses before hand and is building his strategy around that knowledge. You have been the victim of a prolonged interview that is now escalating.

If he even thought you had what it takes to wait in the shadows near his front door with a shotgun he wouldn't be doing it. Not that we are recommending this course of action, but stalkers do know who not to mess with).

In fact, women who are generally competent and professional in their lives are MORE likely to be stalked! That is because while they are competent and confident in "civilized" dealings with men, this is a situation where the normal social conventions (which provide a significant leveling influence) simply don't exist. Being suddenly cast adrift in shark infested waters is frustrating, terrifying and unknown. And that is exactly what he wants you to feel.

Remember stalkers think of themselves as "laws unto themselves." In order to maintain this delusion they need to operate in isolation. That is to say they need to find people who are too proud to ask for help and will foolishly attempt to handle the problem by themselves. It is the woman's pride, confidence in herself and her abilities -- and her shame for "finding myself in such a stupid situation" that keeps her from immediately seeking outside help. (This described me perfectly)

And those are the very things the stalker is relying on you to do so he can keep on doing what he is doing.

That is why you need to call in the cavalry and as much reinforcements as you can. And that means, police, lawyers, friends and neighbors. Also realize that this situation is going to cost you...self-defense courses, training, lawyers, court fees and possibly moving and changing jobs.

There is no easy answer to this problem. It's a long time coming and it will be a long time going.

----------------

Tears were a daily occurrence for me...often there would be several outbursts of tears. As hard as I tried, I could not hold them back. Yet, each time I wept, I made sure I was alone and no one could hear me.

One day, while weeping, I was reminded that the Lord understands the "language" of our tears. Suddenly all the tears I'd shed, allowed me to know that nothing had escaped the hearing of the Lord and He was well able to bring me to freedom. This is exactly what happened.

Those of you that have been following these articles since I first began this 'blog' know exactly what I'm referring to, so there's no need to repeat myself. Those of you who are unfamiliar with all that's been written to this point, I encourage you to do so. I'm sure it will uplift your hearts to "see" that no matter how dark it may seem for you...there is "One" that cares and will will bring you to a place of safety.

Again, more than anything else, I wish I could give each and every one of you that are hurting a big (((Hug))). Since that's impossible, be reminded that there is an army of women that read your comments and are praying for you on a daily basis.

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Why Won't Anyone Listen?"

The below statement was taken from "Stalking (Part 2) Victims' Problems with The Legal System & Therapeutic Consideration.
--------------------------------

"Law-enforcement insensitivity toward domestic violence has already been well documented. Police often feel that, as opposed to serious crimes such as murder, domestic issues are not an appropriate police responsibility; 'private' misconduct should not be subject to public intervention, and, because few cases result in successful prosecution, pursuing domestic violence complaints is ultimately futile… This sense of futility, reinforced by the media and the courts, may be transmitted to the victim.
In cases involving ex-lovers, the police may have equal difficulty in being sympathetic to the issues involved. As in the case of Ms A, society often views stalking as a normal infatuation that will eventually resolve itself or as the actions of a rejected lover or lovesick individual, more to be empathised with than censured . Victims often report feeling that the police and society blame them for provoking harassment or making poor choices in relationships. Authorities may have particular difficulty understanding the woman who continues to have ambivalent feelings toward the offender…
In terms of the laws themselves, there is a history of ineffectiveness in dealing with crimes of stalking . The nature of the offences themselves makes investigations and prosecution difficult, because surveillance and phone calls often have no witnesses. Barriers to victims using civil actions against stalkers include dangerous time delays and financial requirements. Temporary restraining orders or peace bonds have been used most commonly and are generally ineffective, partly because law-enforcement agencies have limited resources to enforce such measures. Even if caught, violators receive, at most, minimal jail time or minor monetary penalties. Sometimes the offender just waits out the short duration of the order. Persistent, obsessed stalkers are usually not deterred."
---------------------------------------
By no means, am I using this statement to suggest that the law enforcement officials are falling short in their duty to "serve and protect". I wanted to post this in answer to the questions many of you have asked and statements of frustrations you've told me regarding the lack of understanding you receive.

The other big obstacle I'm hearing from a vast number of you, is the lack of help you're not receiving from your local churches. There have been emails sent to me from Alaska to Florida with very similar testimony. I'm told that because you're a woman, it's assumed there must be something lacking in you that is provoking abuse. Until it happened to me, too, I think I'd have had a difficult time believing that.

Especially since I was in a leadership position within my local church, I thought surely I would be taken seriously and listened to. However, in reality, it was quite the opposite. It was told to me that since my abuser (now ex-husband) was attending church and I was not...that my relationship with the Lord was called into question and was told that I "needed to adapt myself to my husband's plans".

In earlier posts I went into considerable detail concerning me personally with my local church. If you hadn't read those particular posts, please, take the time to do so. The lack of consideration to so much as "listen" added emotional pain on top of everything else that was taking place within my home.

Yesterday, I was at the doctor's office, when in walked a member from my (former) "church". She is someone I'd known for over 20 years. She appeared to be so happy to see me, and told me how much she missed me. Next she let me know that she didn't know why I had gotten divorced. I let her know that it was due to years of domestic abuse. As soon as she heard that, she suddenly got busy looking through the magazine she had picked up when she walked into the office. This was further indication that there's a serious disconnect with some "professing" one thing, yet, doing quite the opposite. Please, do not think I'm saying all churches are like this...as I know for a fact they aren't. Although, my own "church" were I'd served in leadership for well over two decades did NOTHING to help me. Again, I went into considerable detail on this in previous posts. Please, if you hadn't read them, I encourage you to do so.

There was one church that helped. It was a mainline denomination. They didn't care that I wasn't a member. They never asked for details. What they did do, was see that I was in a crisis in needing food (after I had left the "safe-house")...and did what they could to help. Each time I went there, I was treated with dignity and respect. Then the receptionist asked if I'd like to see the pastor. Strictly out of courtesy, I said OK. This pastor was nothing like the pastor's I'd been used to. He asked me if I had any outstanding bills. When I told him yes...he asked me to bring them to him the next day. When I showed up the next day with those bills...he wrote checks for them immediately...no questions asked. Their willingness to "listen" is what started me in the direction in the healing of my wounded heart.

I'm going to copy a comment left by someone on the previous post. The author, is obviously someone that has a heart that understands and perfectly illustrated the absurdity of the 'mind set' of the abuser.
-----------------------------
Anonymous said...
As a father of a young daughter, I must object to some of these comments from bible quoting individuals Women must submit? To what? broken bones, black eyes, shattered self esteem, endless trips to the hospital. What Lord do you pray to? Tell me something why don't you then tell the Doctor that "you were correcting you partner's deficient attitude?" You could not even pass that off in church if you brought her there instead of the emergency room. If I made such comments that "women are men's property" or that "The woman is to be subject to the man. This is not new information. You forget that its the man that takes care of his female. It's her job to take care of him",I would be ashamed to have a y chromosome. If my male gene constitutes the right for me to force submission then what sort of man would I be? Experience tells us that cooperation between partners is the most effective way to achieve a satisfying relationship. Ask yourself this is, if you achieve your means by striking fear into an individual how secure are you? It is most likely your insecurity that causes you to want to dominate someone else. The Lord God never intended such violence. "Blessed are the peace makers for they shall see God."
____________________________________________

The individual that wrote this comment, truly, does "listen" and understands. I want to encourage you, that although you may have run into 'road blocks' in finding someone that will really listen and offer help...there IS help available. The first step in receiving that help is to tell someone.

Numerous times I've let you know that there is an army of individuals that pray for the readers of this blog site. They are connected to you through their prayer support...never forget that. More than anything else, I wish I could give each and every one of you a big (((HUG))).

Kindest Regards,

Kathryn

"Remaining Safe...Until You Leave"

Looking back, prior, to having to flee my home, there are so many questions I wish I'd have known to ask. One mistake I continually made with my abuser, was when I was trying to avoid being physically or verbally abused, I'd try and run into another room. To my own hurt, I'd usually run into the kitchen, or bathroom.



Now I know those were two of the worse places to run...there are numerous things in there that can be used as weapons. Another place I would try and run, was the garage...another big mistake. Then there was the time I was attempting to run out the door, while being chased. The fear produced the running and the running caused a bad fall from the porch resulting in numerous fractures...another bad idea.



So many of you that email me are asking similar questions. Since most of the questions are regarding "how" to stay safe until you leave, is the reason for this article. Keep in mind, that you all have variations to your particular situation and must 'tailor' the information given to meet your personal situation. I've gathered some very helpful information from a variety of sources. Each article I write I'll be sharing more and more.



If any of you are thinking that things can never change for you , that simply is not true. Take a look at some of the comments that are in the 'comment section' after each article. You'll see that there are ways for you to finally become free. The information below is from the Sequoyah County Sheriff's Department.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARE YOU ABUSED?
Does the Person You Love…
· “Track” all of your time and activities?
· Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
· Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
· Prevent you from working or attending school?
· Criticize you for little things?
· Anger easily when drinking or on drugs?
· Control finances and force you to account for what you spend?
· Humiliate you in front of others?
· Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
· Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or your children?
· Threaten to hurt you or your children?
· Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
· Force you to have sex against your will?


ZERO TOLERANCE
THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE
*********************************
*********************************
MYTHS vs. FACTS
About abuse
Myth: Violence in families affects only a small percentage of the population.
Fact: 2-4 million women are beaten every year; in Oklahoma, 340,000 women are beaten on a regular basis every year; the FBI says that a woman is beaten every 15 seconds in the United States.
Myth: Poor families are more likely to experience violence than middle income and affluent families.
Fact: Violence in families crosses all economic, class, race, and educational levels.
Myth: Drinking causes violent behavior.
Fact: Although drinking and/or drug abuse are present in over half of all violent incidents, abusive behavior will not stop when substance abuse stops. Alcohol and drugs may lower inhibitions permitting more aggressive behavior.
Myth: Wife abuse doesn’t cause serious injuries.
Fact: 40% of women killed in the United States are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends. Emergency rooms report that the majority of cases of women seeking treatment for injuries are the result of abuse.
Myth: Religious faith prevents violence in families.
Fact: Persons of faith are no less vulnerable to abusive relationships than the general population. In some cases, religious beliefs are used by the abusers to justify their forceful and controlling behavior, and to obligate victims to remain in destructive situations that threaten their physical safety and emotional well-being.
Myth: Children need their father even if he is abusive.
Fact: Children need a stable, nurturing environment, free of fear and chaos, in which their self esteem will be preserved and enhanced.
Myth: Witnessing abuse doesn’t affect children.
Fact: Children who witness violence are 700 times more likely to abuse or be abused as adults than children who grow up in non-violent homes.
Myth: Once a batterer, always a batterer.
Fact: Battering is learned behavior and it can be changed. Help is available.
Myth: A battered woman can always leave home.
Fact: There is no law compelling a battered woman to remain in an abusive situation. However, there are a number of reasons that make leaving extremely difficult.
Myth: There is no help available for a woman wanting to get out of an abusive relationship. There is no place available to help her and her children.
Fact: Help is available. No woman has to remain in an abusive relationship because she has no place to go and no money to go. Any sheriff’s office or police department can help a woman obtain this assistance.
THERE’S NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!
********************************
********************************
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SAFETY PLAN
You Have a Right to be Safe.
SAFETY DURING AN EXPLOSIVE INCIDENT
A. If an argument seems unavoidable, try to have it in a room or area where you have access to an exit. Try to stay away from the bathroom, kitchen, bedroom or anywhere else weapons might be available.
B. Practice how to get out of your home safely. Identify which doors, windows, elevator, or stairwell would be the best.
C. Have a packed bag ready and keep it at a relative’s or friend’s home in order to leave quickly.
D. Identify one or more neighbors you can tell about the violence and ask that they call the police if they hear a disturbance coming from your home.
E. Devise a code word to use with your children, family, friends and neighbors when you need the police.
F. Decide and plan for where you will go, if you have to leave home (even if you don’t think you will need to.)
G. Use your own instincts and judgment. If the situation is very dangerous, consider giving the abuser what he wants to calm him down. You have the right to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
H. Always remember – YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HIT OR THREATENED!
SAFETY WHEN PREPARING TO LEAVE
A. Open a savings account and/or credit card in your own name to start to establish or increase your independence. Think of other ways in which you can increase your independence.
B. Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, extra medicines and clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
C. Determine who would be able to let you stay with them or lend you some money.
D. Keep the shelter or hotline phone number close at hand and keep some change or a calling card on you at all times for emergency phone calls.
E. Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer. REMEMBER – LEAVING YOUR BATTERER IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME.
SAFETY IN YOUR OWN HOME
A. Change the locks on your doors as soon as possible. Give a copy to a trusted neighbor or family member.
B. Call the police if your partner breaks the protective order.
C. Think of alternative ways to keep safe if the police do not respond right away.
D. Inform family, friends, neighbors and your physical or health care provider that you have a protective order in effect.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------



I want to close this article by saying I'm well versed (now that I'm free) on all the information I just posted. However, I want to make it crystal clear that it's not always as "black & white" as most portray it to be. There are variants on EVERY situation...so keep in mind you must 'tailor' your specific needs around the information provided. Above all else, never feel you are alone in this, because you are not. There is an army of women that read your comments for the specific purpose of praying for you.



Kindest Regards,



Kathryn